morning ppl, tc #5

Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Traverse City, Michigan

I know he’s not a morning person. This is a fundamental tenet of our relationship. I’m really not either, but his is an extreme case. I treaded carefully.

“Look at this,” I said a few weeks before we left for Michigan. It was an Instagram photo of East Bay, taken from a small, secluded beach we stumbled on a few years ago while staying on the peninsula. It was early in the morning and everything was covered in mist. The horizon blended into the sky. It was stunning.

“It’s beautiful,” he said.
“You know this means we’d have to get up at, like, five A.M., right?”
“That’s fine.”

This quick agreement threw me off. I didn’t push further. I mean, the best thing I can say is that our intentions were good. We had a morning appointment to check out a wedding venue, the Cherry Basket Farm. We’d just get up a little earlier, have our Zen moment at the beach, and then carry on with our wedding planning. A morning as perfectly curated and meticulously planned as the lifestyle blog where I found that picture to begin with.


…the Zen thing was never going to happen.

The day of rolled around. I snoozed the optimistic 4:30 AM  alarm, and eventually shut it off altogether. We staggered out of bed at 8, showered, and trudged to the car by 8:15. We were late, but still stopped for coffee — one of those tiny, roadside huts with a narrow, looping drive thru that I had to maneuver our beastly Dodge around, yet again. I ran over the curb.

“My love,” J said, scoldingly.
“Leave me alone,” I said, my voice creaking and horse. “I need this.”


apt huntr, ny #7

September 2013
Brooklyn, New York

It wasn’t going well, the apartment hunt. My third since moving to New York.

There was the girl with Celiac’s disease who asked me if I baked with flour exactly twelve times. “Are you sure?” she’d ask, again. “Because I have Celiac’s disease. Here’s the bedroom. Don’t mind the fact that there’s no ceiling. Did I mention I have Celiac’s disease?”
“Yes, Kirsten.”

And then the guy who had me meet him in front of something called Strong Place — it looked like a church, maybe, or the headquarters of a cult. “Was he religious,” I wondered. “Should I just leave now?”
“I should go.”

And then there was Holly, an older woman who owned one of those unique wood-framed townhouses in Fort Greene—the ones with the porches out front and the huge first floor windows. She had a deep and condescending voice… a rare type of woman who almost certainly overused the word ‘druthers.’

And then the woman who lived above the British pub on Atlantic Avenue—I looked at two apartments in that building, actually. The first was tiny, but the roommate was sweet and had a gargantuan pet rabbit named Sir Winston Raleigh. I would’ve taken the apartment, but she admitted that she had offered it to someone else before I had arrived. “I get it,” I said. “Apartment hunting, man!” She said she wished she had offered it to me. I pocketed that compliment and deposited it into my apartment hunting karma bank.

The other one I looked at in that building had me fill out a questionnaire before coming, which should have been my first clue.
“I have a few questions for you, if you wouldn’t mind answering them,” the email began, harmlessly enough. I looked to the left of my screen and wondered why the scrollbar was so small.

Some actual excerpts from the email, which I managed to fish out of my inbox:
“I was just curious to know when you would usually be getting up and going to bed on weekdays/weekends, and about how many nights during the week/weekends would you expect to be hanging out in the apartment.”
“Would you expect to be having any overnight guests? If so, how often? In the spirit of being upfront, I’m not seeing anyone exclusively at the moment, so might have an overnight guest on occasion, but not usually ever more than 4-5 times a month”
The email rambled on. I should have deleted it. I didn’t. I responded and went to see the apartment.

She opened the door and, because I’m a cunt, I scoffed internally at the mismatched tile and hardwood flooring. The other apartment I looked at in the building had been much nicer.
I sat down on the couch where she continued grilling me. I answered them all and snuck in a question of my own about her previous roommate.

“Oh, she had to go,” she said, somewhat belligerently.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“She fell asleep on the couch constantly,” she said. “She had her own room. The huge room I just showed you. Why couldn’t she sleep there? Why did she have to sleep on the couch? It’s not even comfortable.”
“The final straw,” she continued, “was when she would kick my throw pillows on the floor.”
I caught myself looking frantically at her. I should have picked up my bag and ran out of the apartment.
Again, I didn’t.
My karma bank balance rose still steadily. I waited to cash in.

And then there was Lauren. Lauren lived in a charming but dilapidated looking building on the corner of Henry and Warren. It was the top floor of a walkup, but the light and the views were worth it. I liked her almost instantly. She was calm and friendly and worked at a non-profit. The apartment was so spacious and drenched with sun that the stairs ceased to matter.

She showed me the bedroom, which was quiet and in the back of the apartment. Lauren put off good vibes and I was already planning where I would mount an IKEA armoire. The room had no closet, you see. But that didn’t matter. I was sold, and I think Lauren was picking up on those vibes.

“So I have to tell you,” she started, sheepishly. “I did offer this to another guy already.”
This again, I thought. I was starting to take it personally. Like maybe this was simply the way you let eager New York subletters down. There was a script. I was unaware.
“I actually think you’d be a better fit…” she continued. We were in the living room—the one with the huge windows. Uh huh, I thought. Heard that one before.

I was about to beg… to plead. Cancel him, I wanted to shout, I’m your man! But before I could start down that path, a flash caught the periphery of my vision outside the window, disappearing just as quickly as it had come. I stopped, quite likely, mid-sentence. Lauren turned around.

Again, another flash. A huge flock of birds, dipping down into Henry Street and back up again.

“What was that?!” I asked. Lauren smirked and walked over to the window. “There’s a guy over there,” she explained, pointing to the rooftop of the brownstone across the street. “He trains birds.”
“You’re kidding,” I said.
“Oh, I am not.”

I walked over the window. Across the street, as described, a normal looking man—someone who might describe his occupation as, “Oh, me? I work in finance.”—was brandishing a baton which he used to direct this flock of pigeons. They stuck together, these birds, as they flew through the sky over Cobble Hill, Brooklyn.

We watched together for a few minutes. I should have found a way to get her evicted so I could have this apartment to myself, but instead I relented. 

“Lauren…” I said, letting the silence hang in the air for a second. “If this guy cancels on you I need you to call me immediately.”

The birds swooped down again.


trap door, ny #11

February 2016
Brooklyn Heights

João loves Chez Moi, one of the French restaurants near our apartment. I’m ambivalent at best. The name is fucking stupid, but they have good food, but the atmosphere is depressing, but they have a drink called Hemingway, but their servers are always ornery. So it’s a wash. Still, we go.

The host motioned to us from across the room. One moment, his pointer finger indicated.

“These books are fake,” J said, pointing to the bookcase that was built into the wall near the host’s station.

“The atmosphere here confuses me,” I said. A typical visit to this joint isn’t complete until I bitch about how dark and unappealing it is, so I left it there. The host came over.

“Two?” he asked.

J said yes.

“What is this?” I asked the host, motioning my head toward the fake bookcase, “A secret door?”

The host made a face. “Actually, it is.” He explained they had just opened a new bar down there. It was sort of like a cave that linked up with the old subway tunnels under Atlantic Avenue, so they figured they’d turn it into a speakeasy modeled after the boudoir of Marie Antoinette. 

J and I looked at each other.

“Do we need a password?” I asked, suddenly excited.

The host smirked.
“The bartenders down there would like you to think so.”


east bay minutiae, tc #4

Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Traverse City, Michigan

“What do you want for lunch? Peegios? It’s that biker bar by the house, but they have good pizza.”
“Are you crazy? It’s hot.”
“Yeah… something lighter, I guess?”

He ignored my question and I wasn’t starving, so we got in the car and headed in the direction of the cottage.

“Don’t ever say I don’t do anything nice for you,” I said before whipping the car across three lanes of traffic into the strip mall on the corner of 31 and Garfield.

“What?” J was startled. I pointed to the sign.

Jimmy Johns.


We ordered alongside the fine working people of Traverse City, happy to not be among them, for the week at least.

One Turkey Tom, no tomato, with added sprouts.
One Bootlegger Club, as is.
And one Cherry Coke, to share.

We hopped back in the car and drove over to the east arm of Grand Traverse Bay. There’s a small beach across from the State Park. We found a picnic table near the water and plopped down with the goods. Off to the side, a woman had pulled her beach chair into the shallow water and was reading her book. 

We ate our sandwiches in the sun, listening to the waves lap up on shore.


parallel, tc #3

Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Traverse City, Michigan

I tried once and tapped the Cadillac behind me. Gently. But still, I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t New York where that is an acceptable way to park a car. 

I tried again.
What was that rule? Something about two o’clock on the steering wheel?
Same result. No Cadillac tap.

And again.
Something about the front wheel of the other car? I tried to remember. Whatever, the other thing didn’t work so let’s try it.
The results were a little better, but the front of this Dodge Journey was still poking out into the street. I flicked the steering wheel in an expression of gay anger.

I hate this car. It’s the second time we’ve been stuck with a Dodge Journey rental. The websites always promise you a RAV4 and then stick you with some garbage Dodge. Or a Jeep Patriot with Texas plates.

One of the employees from the café—Yiaya’s Eatery and Sweets—came out to watch. I don’t blame her. I, too, would watch a Fudgie tourist try to wedge his way into a parking spot… Not to help, but purely as a judgmental spectator.

She motioned for me to roll down my window.

“You don’t do this often, do you?”
“I do not.” I didn’t tell her I lived in New York. There were already enough reasons to mock me with this parking fiasco.
“Pull up there, next to that car. I’m gonna help you out.”

I kept my window cranked down and followed her instructions. Naturally it was a plucky, fresh faced youth that allowed me to wedge the heft of this stupid fucking car into a generously sized parking spot.

I stuck my head out the window and thanked her. “I’ll see you in a minute for some quarters.”
“Actually, if you hold down the button on the meter you get a free thirty minutes,” she said.
I faked a worshipful bow in her direction.
“For coffee, then.”

usual morning

Flora jumps at the door with dramatic flair. It’s going to be one of those mornings, I think to myself. Some days her primary objective is to locate and destroy the family of grey squirrels who taunt her from tree branches and fence posts. Today her priority is to use the bathroom. She squats—again with dramatic flair—and I wonder if I should stop filling her water bowl at night.

The calm, cool dad is sitting in front of the coffee shop, which means that the shrill, annoying dad is somewhere around the corner. They meet there every morning with their kids. I always, somehow, end up entangled with the shrill dad and his children, who are far less irritating. He’ll end up squawking at his kids, instructing them to pet Flora. She’ll end up jumping on them like a savage, and he’ll scoff at me, as if I haven’t tried to teach her manners, and as if we don’t go through this at least once a week.

The eccentric old man next door sees Flora peeing and pretends to unzip his pants saying, “My turn!” I usually try to avoid him, too, but I’m stuck waiting for the dog.

Why don’t I just go a different way?

I do like most of my neighbors, though. There’s Adam, who works at the restaurant downstairs and who is so genuinely chatty that I’m convinced he’s from Minnesota. And the red haired lady who will go out of her way to say hi to Flora and let her jump all over her. She’ll end up with doggy footprints on her dress. I always apologize profusely but she never seems to mind.

And then there’s the kind, white haired man who sits outside his garage drinking coffee at random times of the day. Sometimes he’ll throw a tennis ball across the street to Flora. I’ll wave and say thanks. She’s amassed quite a collection over the last year, and the extras are stowed away in various nooks and crannies throughout our apartment. He watches her pull on the leash and laughs.

“Training for the Iditarod,” he says. It’s half question, half statement of fact.

It is the truest thing I’ve heard the entire month of September.

summer ppl, tc #2

Monday, June 12, 2017
Traverse City, Michigan

“—Oh, that noise is a frog,” babbled Jack, my nephew. He interrupted the middle of a previous thought to point this out—something about Grandpa, a small plastic bucket, and the fish they caught earlier that day. The mystery stands.

He continued spouting off unfinished thoughts and random nature facts as he showed me around the cottage, leading me to a canoe kicked up on the shore. I stopped for a moment to admire the lake and breathe in the air. Pine trees and moss. It smelled exactly the same as it always had. Fresh.

My tour guide had abandoned me by the time I turned around. I could hear him chattering away somewhere off in the distance.

His attention span is genetic.


My sister struggled to place her infant daughter, Isabella, into a papoose as I looked on. A papoose. Because we’re up north so we’re going all out Ojibwa, apparently.

“Is this how it’s supposed to go?” she asked, skeptically.
“You think I’m the right person to ask?” I said.
“Do you think she’s comfortable?”

Her body looked like a starfish and she was at risk of being suffocated by my sister’s chest.

“She’s fine – she likes it,” I said. “Let’s go.”


“McMansion monstrosity,” I said, pointing out a giant house wedged between the road and Spider Lake. It was for sale.

“Overpriced,” Sara replied. Eight hundred thousand dollars (we checked later), so she was right.

We continued walking down Lake George Trail – a dirt road running along a thickly forested ridge with Spider Lake on one side, Lake George on the other.

“I’m into this one, though,” I said about a charming and tiny A-frame that couldn’t have been more than fifteen feet wide. “The garden’s a little overgrown, but I like that.” The owner stomped up from the side of the house as I was finishing my thought, muttering something: an admonishment to Fudgies, probably.

“She’s so quiet,” I said, referring to Isabella.

“She’s like this most of the time, totally chill,” Sara said. “When she does scream you know it and so do the neighbors, but she’s usually like this.”

“Well, we’ve already irritated the locals anyway, so live your life girl!”

We walked around the lake and caught up on life and wedding planning, a topic I have been avoiding, despite venue selection being one reason we were up there.


An extraverted Lhasa Apso ran up to us on the street, followed by two middle-aged women. “You guys from here?” I asked after greeting the dog because I am a man with his fucking priorities straight.

“North Carolina,” one of them said.
The other scoffed. “Only for a year.”
“Still getting used to saying that—we’re originally from here. Where are you guys staying?”

“Miller cottage,” my sister responded.

“Oh, how nice. Enjoy.”

Was there a twinge of cynicism in her response? The New York version of my psyche immediately sought out her motives. She was a bit sarcastic earlier. Did she really mean that—“enjoy?” Maybe she has some sort of beef with the Millers? God, I hope so.

Or, perhaps, she was just being nice.

We’ve been in Michigan less than twenty-four hours…


The back of the cottage faced west, out over the lake. Dusk was about to meet nightfall and a storm was due anytime now. The rest of the family was holed up inside. I sat by myself on the deck where it was still and sticky—summer in Northern Michigan.

The wind picked up and started whipping through the trees. The lake, which had been a mirror earlier, started to get those little ripples where gusts of wind dance on the surface. Lightning flashed in the distance followed by the gentle rumbling of thunder, which always seemed to take longer to reach us than it should. It was still pretty far off in the distance.

It’s one of my favorite things in the world—watching thunderstorms roll in. Especially in Michigan where the rain seems to hold off until Mother Nature has given you a show. In New York you get it all at once and then it’s over.

Here, it takes a little more time.

My mom and sister started a game of Rummikub just inside the screen door, and I could hear the clinking of the plastic tiles and the low tones of their conversation. I stayed outside as the storm got closer. The rumbles of thunder were getting bolder, and better in tune with the lightning. Not crashing or dramatic, but those long and strong rumbles that slowly gather intensity and that you feel deep in your bones.

The rain eventually blew in on a huge gust of wind, and I made my way inside after letting a few drops fall on me. My sister dodged off to feed Isabella, so I took her place at the table. Diane was happily organizing her game tiles. She’s never more pleased than when her entire brood is under one roof.

Maybe we should have been European.


Our bedroom was tucked in the corner of the house and had two twin beds that we pushed together, haphazardly. I couldn’t figure out how to turn on the old transistor radio so we laid in bed and listened to the rain.

I tried throwing my arm over J but ended up sinking slowly into the crevice where the two beds were pushed together. The pillows were too small and kept falling behind the bed. I was happy anyway.

The window was cracked and the vocal bullfrog my nephew pointed out earlier was busy croaking sweet nothings to his admirers across the lake. They were deep and a little vulgar sounding.

I pushed J.

“My love, you really need to quit farting.”